Life practice and stuff.

I’m watching my friends age. — March 12, 2019

I’m watching my friends age.

And they appear to be doing all the right things, yet they barely have life or freedom. They are bound by previous desires, ones we fulfilled without our actual consent, but by doing they believe consent was given. We filled the shoes they left us, discovered most of them were too small. We cramped our feet inside these small spaces and hunched over because the rooms we entered couldn’t hold us. We squeezed ourselves in between the old and the old, they thought we’d bring hope but we just did what we were told. Decades we evolved into your worries, we embodied them as anxiety, imagining one single future, our homes were just for society. We only had great possessions because we consumed everything that was hot, we stayed attached to these little rooms stood by as each of us got GOT.

I’m watching my friends age as they plan their next vacation, they think it will lead them to inner peace. They stress about their now, worried about their tomorrow. They don’t have any real aspirations except to work and buy a house, take their 2 weeks of vacation to go somewhere cool and take pics for the gram. They like it until they come back, they reflect on memories of what they wish could be. They go gray because they are stressed and never because they are wise. My parents told me before be free and travel, you’re young and you have time. Imagine I actually did that where would I actually be. Would I still feel the realness of freedom, or would I have a harder time with nationwide slavery.

I’m watching my friends age because they can’t say this out loud even if its how we really feel, people would be pissed that we’re not proud to live in this secure place. How dare we not be thankful for the opportunities before us, How dare we not work harder if we’re so unhappy. How taxing it is, to be taxed on how we really feel. But now I look crazy because I speak up about what we both can see.

Yo I’m tired all the time because I know I’m aging. My friends are hella old too, because they’re aging. Now all we want to do is take one amazing vacation, because we’re all so tired of living in the trap. A debt filled nation.

When you read this you can assume I’m ungrateful but I’m not. Has it ever crossed your mind that this isn’t just my thoughts? I speak to a lot of people and no one can put their finger on it, with all the dreams of our parents fulfilled we still haven’t found peace. Imagine wondering everyday where I went wrong and feeling guilt because you don’t want to blame your parents or your guardians for following their direction. I have to fight myself to be sane because I think our system is completely insane. I have one friend who really broke free and to me thats an entire shame, because the rest of us think we really got it and they never left their cage.

I’m still watching my friends age, and I’m doing the same.

Focus Pocus Podcast Episode 3: I’m Thinking Again — February 27, 2019
The ONLINE Tribe — February 14, 2019

The ONLINE Tribe

Finding your tribe has become the wellness way of saying finding people who help you be you and feel at home. We can look at this as our friends but sometimes this group is not your friends because you never really knew who you were in the first place. Prior to finding your tribe you have to examine yourself, your friends, your wants and your enjoyment and see what resonates as genuine and fulfilling. In this examination you’ll realize some people are not part of your tribe and some of the things you think you enjoyed really just gave you the peace of mind of fitting in. I have quite a large group of people I know but I cannot say I would call them my tribe. (That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate them, instead it means they don’t support my authenticity and that is okay!) .My tribe is probably less than 5 people and ever changing the way I am, I’ve had different tribes at different points in my life and that is completely acceptable because we do change. My tribe accepts my change and believes in it, don’t get caught up in having one static tribe because the most important thing for you to respect is your learning spiritually, mentally and physically.

I also have a social media tribe, a group of people I connect to online that show love and receive mine. Understand the importance of creating a tribe as much online as you do in real life. You spend a lot of time online, comments can bring us down, content can bring us down, but that tribe though… you can guarantee that they will help to keep things real as you navigate the unreal world of Social Media.

Find your tribe online. Your spirit will appreciate it!

Focus Pocus Podcast Episode 2: Love is. Love is not. — February 13, 2019
Are You Waiting to Hit Rock bottom? — September 14, 2017

Are You Waiting to Hit Rock bottom?

I had to ask myself this the other day when I found myself refusing to drive Uber knowing there was no other source of income coming in. I sat with my sorrows, I invited guilt to my table and opened the door for shame knowing and feeling like I was the only one to blame. It was devastating to think all these options out there and I can’t find myself with one, but yet I know and I am well aware that I have all the skills it would take to land any job I truly want but yet I haven’t sent out more than two resumes.


I’ve arrived at this place by many choices of mine, oddly none have to do with quitting my career job as most would think. It had everything to do with foreseeing my luck run out with the influx of checks that were timed ever so perfectly and the lack of discipline to force myself to shut up and drive; not only drive, but shut up and try. Bring back the work ethic that existed when I did work for someone else.

Rock bottom appeared to be the direction I was going in, I was choosing inaction vs action because action meant a little more work at the time, I choose to sleep-in instead of wake-up because my life was much better in the dream world. I was building a habit of not doing what would keep me at my best, making these choices to do nothing even easier. All the things I have from material wealth to my spirit, I risked losing since it would be even harder to find them once reaching rock bottom. Visualize this, each spiral downward, the spirit abandons the body for safety in the light and when you get all the way down to the lowest point, consider yourself trying to piece together who you are with very little lights. Rock bottom is the place where it doesn’t get any worse and the habits created become a lot harder to break out of, so that is not a place you want to be by choice!

The other day I had a dream after pondering on this for a bit. I was with my best friend in New York City walking along a skinny boardwalk that passed closely over a murky, muddy, light brown body of water. You couldn’t see the bottom at all, but oddly we weren’t scared as I’d normally be around water since I’m not a good swimmer. As we walked along it my best friend jumped in as if something had fell and she could go and retrieve it, and then I jumped in on the opposite side without any reason whatsoever. I remember specifically feeling and knowing that I didn’t want to feel the bottom or know how deep it was so I kept my feet fairly high while treading the water. I started feeling a strong current pulling me away from the boardwalk but I kept treading and doggy paddled toward the boardwalk till I got back on.

I woke up feeling really sad about the dream thinking about my fear of water, how muddy and unclear it was for the next couple of hours, but then at around 2 pm in the afternoon it hit me! The dream was showing me that I’m currently in the process of choosing not to hit rock bottom and choosing not to go there even though I’ve made a choice to jump into a situation where I can’t seem to maneuver well (water) and yet with the current (negative feelings) pulling me away from the path I actually jumped right back on the boardwalk to continue along on my journey. This dream reinforced the message that I have a choice to avoid hitting the bottom if I want to and so I must ask you are you making the same choice or are you waiting to hit rock bottom?