Life practice and stuff.

Are You Waiting to Hit Rock bottom? — September 14, 2017

Are You Waiting to Hit Rock bottom?

I had to ask myself this the other day when I found myself refusing to drive Uber knowing there was no other source of income coming in. I sat with my sorrows, I invited guilt to my table and opened the door for shame knowing and feeling like I was the only one to blame. It was devastating to think all these options out there and I can’t find myself with one, but yet I know and I am well aware that I have all the skills it would take to land any job I truly want but yet I haven’t sent out more than two resumes.


I’ve arrived at this place by many choices of mine, oddly none have to do with quitting my career job as most would think. It had everything to do with foreseeing my luck run out with the influx of checks that were timed ever so perfectly and the lack of discipline to force myself to shut up and drive; not only drive, but shut up and try. Bring back the work ethic that existed when I did work for someone else.

Rock bottom appeared to be the direction I was going in, I was choosing inaction vs action because action meant a little more work at the time, I choose to sleep-in instead of wake-up because my life was much better in the dream world. I was building a habit of not doing what would keep me at my best, making these choices to do nothing even easier. All the things I have from material wealth to my spirit, I risked losing since it would be even harder to find them once reaching rock bottom. Visualize this, each spiral downward, the spirit abandons the body for safety in the light and when you get all the way down to the lowest point, consider yourself trying to piece together who you are with very little lights. Rock bottom is the place where it doesn’t get any worse and the habits created become a lot harder to break out of, so that is not a place you want to be by choice!

The other day I had a dream after pondering on this for a bit. I was with my best friend in New York City walking along a skinny boardwalk that passed closely over a murky, muddy, light brown body of water. You couldn’t see the bottom at all, but oddly we weren’t scared as I’d normally be around water since I’m not a good swimmer. As we walked along it my best friend jumped in as if something had fell and she could go and retrieve it, and then I jumped in on the opposite side without any reason whatsoever. I remember specifically feeling and knowing that I didn’t want to feel the bottom or know how deep it was so I kept my feet fairly high while treading the water. I started feeling a strong current pulling me away from the boardwalk but I kept treading and doggy paddled toward the boardwalk till I got back on.

I woke up feeling really sad about the dream thinking about my fear of water, how muddy and unclear it was for the next couple of hours, but then at around 2 pm in the afternoon it hit me! The dream was showing me that I’m currently in the process of choosing not to hit rock bottom and choosing not to go there even though I’ve made a choice to jump into a situation where I can’t seem to maneuver well (water) and yet with the current (negative feelings) pulling me away from the path I actually jumped right back on the boardwalk to continue along on my journey. This dream reinforced the message that I have a choice to avoid hitting the bottom if I want to and so I must ask you are you making the same choice or are you waiting to hit rock bottom?

Embracing your Start Somewhere. — September 5, 2017

Embracing your Start Somewhere.

Oprah did it, Kendrick did it, Jay -z did it, even George Bush did it. Whether privileged or not the basics are the same, you have to start somewhere. There could be no existence of them without the choice to take the first step, no matter how big or small it appeared.
How I wish the magic wand would wave and all of my dreams would come true and how I can be where Oprah is after writing out my goals, but that in itself is not practical. Its so common to look at everyone else`s progression assuming they didn’t go through the same steps as us but even they will tell you, it took me years to get here and many steps along the way.

Taken on my recent flight back from Trinidad, this was within the first few minutes of take off.

Those years began with the start somewhere, one single first step and that’s where we often find ourselves with the most fear and worry. We quickly become discouraged by the somewhere equating it to struggle rather than a step and then we forget that Oprah was here too. To progress towards the dream, remind yourself that the start doesn’t have to be a struggle it`s simply a step which enables your start somewhere begin.

Here`s an example:


You forgot the laptop charger in your bedroom upstairs, but if you don`t get it your computer will die and then there`s a chance you may lose part or all of the project you were working on unless you’re using google lol. You spend time thinking about the fact that you need to go upstairs, meaning you`ll have to expend energy to step up each step, rather than actually doing it, so in your mind you’ve built a story of struggle and wasted time lamenting on it. Your laptop tells you its at 7% so now it`s even more necessary to get the charger, but you`re still going through the story of struggling to go up the stairs while your mind begins rewiring itself to equate steps with struggle instead of a means to an end as you continue telling this story. You make the decision to finally go upstairs and get your charger. But now you`re even more frantic because the computer was on 4%  which means you`ll be using way more energy to run up the stairs, dash over to the outlet to unplug the chord only to get back downstairs to see your computer went to sleep, or shut down completely.

The frustration builds up because you knew in advance you just needed to go upstairs but you delayed the inevitable, wasted time thinking about it and now you have some extra work to do filling in what was lost.

Or Maybe your laptop stayed on and you got there just in time to save your work, let that be a lesson too, you were able to create a struggle when there wasn’t one in taking those steps to reach your goal or to reach what was important to pursuing your goals. The start somewhere is where its imperative to change your mind from struggle to steps.


There was some turbulance, lots of clouds in the sky and underneath us, but the light was still shining on our pathway.

You can embrace your start somewhere, or you may have already started and feel the strain of feeling like you never move forward but if you believe in your dream enough to take any action then the great news is that you’ve not only started somewhere but you are living the start somewhere. This step doesn’t need to be one day or a week, it takes the time it needs, and since time isn’t linear take all the time you need. When years pass after working hard towards your dream and stepping up many stairs someone will also look at you and ask… How did you get there and you will be able to say, well I had to start somewhere.

At some point you`ll get to cruising altitude where the steps become habits, and the start becomes the distant past of a beautiful journey.

This piece was inspired by a discussion with my cousin Ishmael who showed me that the start doesn`t have to be a struggle as much as it is steps.

We are Perfect. Here’s why. — July 20, 2017

We are Perfect. Here’s why.

There are three levels of thinking when it comes to the concept of perfection. But before that I need to get through the fact that society has a very different understanding of what it means than the spirit does. The move towards perfection is not stating we are an ideal or the “standard” of what society tells us we are to be. Instead it’s about knowing oneself and being the love that you are. At this stage we recognize there are no flaws and we have always been perfect but never saw that we were created as perfect by the hands of the creator.

For most of us life began at the perfect stage until guilt, shame, fear, misdirected anger and some other things became tools to determine who is worth more or less than others. We eventually internalized this and started believing that we really were imperfect from the beginning until the very end. There are three areas society has moved through when thinking about perfection: Perfect, Being imperfect is perfect, and no one is perfect, each coming from a good place but ultimately perfection is what we should internalize.

Society told us the story of what constitutes to normal, the story of standards and right fit. No one is perfect came from a place where we understood that most of us could not conform or meet the high standards of society and therefore there is no such thing as perfect. While this statement was meant to empower us to not hold others to impossible standards 20170415_162709and to accept them as they are, in many ways we blanketed the reality that we are in fact perfect. We covered up much of the behaviours and habits that were no longer serving us because we believed that perfect was impossible, soon becoming more of an excuse.

Eventually we began to see how the “no one is perfect” mentality stopped serving our highest good and we moved forward to where I think most of us stand today: being imperfect is perfect. No one is perfect doesn’t quite fit anymore because why can’t we be perfect as we are? Our differences in behaviours are not flaws, rather our perfections. Screw the standard, I am the standard!  We’re mostly here now because we’ve learned that perfect is achievable and that our “flaws” and differences in behaviour are part of the “imperfect package”. Although this mentality welcomes and accepts differences, it becomes a sort of blanket statement for seeing yourself as perfect without understanding the depth of it which ultimately minimizes our ability to integrate our higher selves into ourselves. The key here is remembering that your thoughts become you.

Perfect as a mindset and in embodiment is where we are moving to, despite the scariness and impossibility we’ve ascribed to it. The soul is perfect, our higher selves are perfect so once we decide to integrate our higher self with our ‘selves’ then we become perfect. Even with the difficulties along our journey and the behaviours that fall out of line with our higher selves these things exist as teachers and guidance for us to learn from. As aspects of the creator and as beings of love and light, we are the manifestation of perfection and to suggest that there is an imperfect component suggests that the creator is also imperfect. We cannot achieve perfection without knowing that we are.

The thinking that ‘no one is perfect’ started in the right place but to maintain it as a mentality will forever reduce our ability to be who we truly are and to embody the perfection that exist in us as soulful beings.

Why you don’t look for anything in the dark — July 12, 2017

Why you don’t look for anything in the dark

There’s nothing as profound as the moment you do something tedious or utterly stupid only to discover one key message of the universe. Yesterday I was leaving my house and as usual I picked up my key, walked through the pitch black garage in order to leave through the side door. I’ve done this numerous times without thinking, knowing every step and turn to take, but this time I dropped my key.  Garage’s have all sorts of critters so understand I was very hesitant to rest my hand flat on the floor to feel for the keys, so I lifted my hand slightly above the floor to air-feel for them. After about 12 seconds, I thought to myself, why don’t I just turn on the lights? But I didn’t I just continued air-feeling for the keys. Another 14 seconds passed and I was now feeling that if I stretch my hands further I would surely touch something I don’t want to feel.  Another 10 seconds in what felt like a never-ending search for my keys and as I said “I’m just going to turn on the light”, I felt it. As I stood up and opened the side door, a burst of sunlight entered the garage and I thought to myself. This is why you don’t look for anything in the dark!

As I said that I smiled heavily, feeling the pulse of the greatest revelation going through my body and understanding the simplest power we have access to: light. We have so much of it, endlessly beaming into our lives that we almost forget it’s there and that it is infinite. There’s nothing to lose when you  choose to access the unlimited light of the creator of the universe, yet I seemed to have believed the opposite when searching for my keys. Very simply, we must turn on the light to see what may be inside even if it means taking an extra step to find the light switch


What if you can’t see the light or the switch?

Before seeing, we know. Have faith in yourself  the way you would have faith in navigating your bedroom to find the light switch or to know the light is there,  and you will be able to turn it on. Souls operate from knowing first and perception second, so go into your knowing, see the light inside of you and you will see your way out of the dark space you sometimes find yourself in. Without light there can only be darkness and it extends as long as you’re willing to keep it that way. Similarly it will be impossible to find yourself as long as you choose to remain in the dark. In such case you must ask the universe to ignite the flame if you feel it has somehow gone away and from there, use your heart and your God given power to fan the flame. Let it take over you and eventually you will see exactly what you are and who you were meant to be.

And that’s why we don’t look for anything in the dark including ourselves.

Our Real-Time Experience of Meditation with Dela Dorkenoo — July 1, 2017

Our Real-Time Experience of Meditation with Dela Dorkenoo

In my first ever collaboration blog I share the stage with Dela Dorkenoo.  Interestingly we have not met but it is clear that our thoughts are aligned. This piece focuses on the experience of Meditation from two perspectives, one self identifying male, one self identifying female, one in first person and the other as a narrative. However we wrote, we received each others work with fondness in each other’s ability to capture the duality of meditation, actually we have captured the universality of meditation since so much came out of both of our experiences. Not only are Dela and I sharing the stage but we’re also exposing our meditative process revealing something deeper than what you’ve seen in our regular work. We hope you enjoy!

I just finished my own version of a 15 minute yoga routine… I’m ready to meditate, I sit down with my legs crossed as the incense continues to burn. Respectfully I ask the universe to understand I will take breaks throughout my meditation to write down what20170701_163045 I am feeling; I continue. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths, in through my nose and out through my mouth but on the third breath I realize they were quite shallow so I intentionally breathe into my lower stomach and out through my mouth. The thought comes maybe I can do a Yoga  collaboration with Elle Lyon since I know her and we can sit down and plan and figure out how to make it a worthy collaboration. Ugh I’m straying again, refocus Mel. I breathe in again, into my lower stomach and I let out a low tone of hm. A thought crosses my mind of the first text from this morning and my response, maybe I should have said hello before responding, I hope she doesn’t think I was being rude, and then the address 4 beechgrove crosses my mind as I remember sending it out randomly to one person on Tinder. I close my eyes,  in the front of me I see the wavering of the yellow and orangey presence, I don’t really know what to call it but it’s the sure sign that I’m settling in. I laugh and open my eyes “your funny” and I go back into the meditation. I continue breathing in through my mouth into my lower stomach, this time the wavering is light and uncoloured.  I straighten my back a bit but it hurts since I’m used to slouching. I ask gently in my head for my guides and Angels to be with me, then I change my words to please join me and I sense one on each side putting their hand on my shoulder and ahead of me I see a diamond of white, it moves slightly to form a tree, but more of a geometric tree. I ask where do I want to go today, the answer is “up”. Up where? “The spaceship” I can see the white, faint red and yellow beam coming from above. But I want to stay present. “Okay” and the sun’s covered by the cloud so it actually gets a little darker but not bad dark. I open my eyes to check and its exactly what I thought. I close my eyes and now I’m able to be nothing to see and think nothing, there is ledge of colours in the shape of the edge of a square and I see nothing in the box but space, open space. I see then a swirl of white light and feel it spiral through my centre a small spiral around my heart reaching down to my root, and I say thank you. Then a larger wider white spiral of light spirals around my head and I see one angel rest her head on my shoulders in comfort and in support.  I see my myself floating in a beam of light from above kind of just enjoying the feeling of floating, and my body feels its lightness as bits of me start joining the floating me. I affirm I am in safety. As the white light still surrounds my head and I’m seeing myself float, in the left corner of what I can see ahead, there is an opening of a portal through which a yellow sunlight is breaking through. This light coming through almost like a light through a prism shows itself and I’m a little worried what this is, I have not encountered it before, but I also just affirmed I’m in safety and my guides and angels are with me. As this light gets closer this yellow comes and hits me gently and transforms into beautiful hues of purple, yellow, bright vibrant purple, oranges,  greens and indigo,  all colours of the rainbow in a dim light but blossoming like a lotus flower and gently brushing my hair to the side as mothers would do to their child in comfort. The blossoming continues across my body across my mind, big waves of colour across me; they continue to go across me. And there goes this big one encompassing all the colours but so thin its similar to the line of the sun showing on an eclipse and it makes a full 360 as if to close the filling of me with the radiance I need to move forward. I paused to write that and I got the message to go back and close. I closed my eyes one more time, and I say thank you guides, thank you angels and as I say thank you Mother earth, she smiles and it gets bright around me, I think the cloud moved out the way of her outside. I look ahead and my angels are in front the first is a girl who has a small face, and says from my heart to yours touching my heart in the way you would donate something to another, and the next angel follows, then my first guide does the same and touches my heart, and then Malcolm crosses my mind he smiles from my heart to yours. And I look up to see my Ancestars smiling and my people from away smiling. I say thank you God, and he nods in affirmation, and one of the angels flies back up. I start to tear up and I open my eyes. Thank you.

Background on Malcolm: I’ve only met Malcolm once in my life it was a random day where I worked late and I went to Sobeys to pick up some meat for my ex’s mom to cook for an event. I was stopped while in the frozen section by an older white man with white hair and a white beard wearing a vest with a crest suggesting he just put this on to go out to the store. Malcolm stopped in front my cart and said, I want you to know that you are very beautiful. I’m not use to that so automatically I was like “thank you”but in confusion, and he said you truly are beautiful and I want you to know that you are amazing and you are okay.  He continued speaking to me for some time explaining that occasionally he will bump into someone and he just has a message for them and its happens more frequently now but today he saw me and he knew he had something to tell me. I was all ears but also in tears the further he went into speaking. He spoke about whether I was planning to get married and told me If I ask the person if they are willing to be servant to me completely and they hesitate, than that is not a person I want to marry and if I hesitate then the same goes for me. I cried even more because that was the ongoing battle in my head since the break-up. Malcolm continued to speak and at a point he now says, this is a message from your guides they are telling me to tell you this now and he says you do not need to worry, you do not need anyone if you want to be married that is okay but you also will be okay on your own, you are good enough. I balled right there in the middle of Sobeys and then I said thank you. We hugged and he left, I didn’t see him for the rest of my time in Sobeys, even though I was there for another 20 minutes.


When I shut my eyes and meditate, my mind takes my higher self into any space or place that my physical body wouldn’t be able to go or handle. Before my meditation, my body is a space station, getting ready to blast my mind, higher self vessel into a spiritual realm. The time is for my higher self to expand and practise expression but I’m still simultaneously conscious of my physical body. One can’t exist with the other, so complete separation can only mean one thing which is death.

When I close my eyes, I instantly take off from 0-100 and I turn off my sense of time. I think about where I need to be and just teleport. Now when I take off I have unlimited destinations I can choose, if I can imagine it I’ll be there. I could be deep underwater at the earths crust. I imagine the weight of the water that would crush any physical being that deep. I imagine my breathing like a fish and how the water temperature would feel at that depth.

I could be in the sky, suspended in mid air with either a thunderstorm, snow storm or clear sunny sky. Whatever the condition, I make it as real as possible. I visualize the rain beating on my body, the snow smacking on me building up or the heat of the rays from the sun. The sun is another place I visit. I manifest myself inside the sun as if I was part of the core. Everything around me is bright and hot and I feel the vibration waves of the suns rays that are traveling outwards. I envision the natural elements as much as possible whatever the condition.

I also try to stay in first person as well, how I see the world in the physical realm is how I try to navigate the spiritual, meditative realm. My biggest hurdle was staying focused with no distractions when I first started meditating years ago. I still swerve of course from time to time but I can meditate for extended periods without distractions carrying off and thinking about these natural conditions helps.

Staying in first person has been very challenging. I don’t like looking at my higher self from a third person view, I AM my higher self so I feel like my entire meditation as my higher self must be done in first person. Sometimes I go back and forth from being my higher self and looking at my higher self. Sometimes I have several “multi-screens” One as first person, another watching my higher being and another watching my grounded physical in whatever location I’m in. One way I try to reinforce first person and get rid of the screens is looking down or towards my physical self meditating if I am in a position where I can look and zoom down. This also reinforces the physical being connected with the spiritual.

On more thing is sound, if there is some type of noise in my surroundings I drown it down with my thoughts. I always try to keep it as quite as possible but sometimes you hear cars, animals or even commotion outside. If I meditate outside I do the same thing, I don’t shut it off and let it fade into background noise. I find that if you try to shut the noise off, which is impossible, you end up distracting yourself, so I let it be. If its silence, I tune into the frequency of the silence. The main point is that my thoughts and imagery stay the loudest.

My favourite place to take my higher self into is the universe. Suspended among the stars, sun, moon and dark matter. From this position, I can really look down at myself on earth. We speak things out into the universe which picks up the vibrations. What better place to meditate in other than that same universe and bring meditative vibrations straight to the source….

Now whatever location my higher self settles in, I usually reflect on my life and being. Problems, challenges but also the solutions, successes and positives as well. I’m not beating myself up in my higher state I’m just checking myself. If my vibrations feel low, I clear my chakras to raise them back to normal. If my vibrations feel high or it’s a second meditation of the day (I don’t often do), I go through a concentration technique and keep distractions out for as long as possible. I focus on something, the ocean pulling back and forth, the rays of the sun traveling. I focus on this one image until I feel spiritually full and ready to move on. The main goal is to keep distractions out and re-center myself if they seep in.

Another concentration technique is I charge my higher self, which is usually my last part of mediation. I envision this charge as an electric magnetic charge that comes from my nerves. It travels and safely electrocutes every part of matter of my higher and physical self. It energizes my existence and rids my mind body and spirit of negative thoughts and emotions. I visualize my aura expanding as far and wide I can imagine it.

These charges help transform my higher self into pure energy, pure light, pure dark matter, pure gas, pure darkness, pure electricity or a combination of everything. I do this for any amount of time before I get distracted. If I do and don’t feel charged, I re -center myself and restart the charge. Whenever I get off course I centre myself and continue. I either use this charge to continue reflection on my being, or come back to the physical 100-0 when I open my eyes. It’s not about separating the physical from the spiritual, that’s the definition of death. This is time for my spirit to live free.


I thought the sage and Palo Santo were an appropriate picture to place at the beginning and end of this piece, as it’s used to clear a space of energy that no longer serves us and through each meditation I feel that’s exactly what’s being done. Please check out Dela’s blog at Thank you.